Effective Communication

1. Blabbermouthing. Talking too much, way out of balance. Going on and on without giving others their turn. The person who hogs the talk-channel soon frustrates others, and they tune out the blabbermouth. Involved in their own monologues, blabbers feel some satisfaction in carrying on – even when they have lost the attention of their listener. Some professionals suffer from a kind of occupational hazard talking too much – professors, clergy, speakers, and doctors and others who are paid for advice, or to talk for a living.

2. Take-aways and me-toos. You begin a topic and your listener grabs it away and focuses on himself with me-centered talk. You say, “I saw a great movie last weekend . . .” and the listener says, “Oh? I saw a movie, too . . .” and begins to describe it. You who brought up the movie topic can’t complete your thought because it’s been high-jacked. This is a very childlike and frustrating behavior, and eventually drives people away.

3. Unsolicited advice. Some people are quick to give advice as soon as you mention a problem or issue. Phrases like “Have you thought of . . .? and “Why don’t you . . .?” spout quickly from their mouths, which makes them feel wise while they treat you as ignorant. Males seem especially prone to this tendency to be “fixers,” although women are not immune from it. Professional know-it-alls who are used to being advice-givers often carry over this behavior when it’s not appropriate. Teachers, lawyers, ministers, and counselors, for example.. When offering unsolicited advice to friends and family, the advice-giver assumes the expert or parenting role, and that puts us off. It would
be better if they let us finish and then, perhaps, to ask “Are you asking for my opinion?” or “What alternatives have you thought of?”

4. Interrupting. Those who butt in before we have completed our thought. Usually interrupters do this because they are impatient and afraid they won’t be able to express their thoughts. Like children vying for attention, interrupters jump in before you’ve finished, maybe with an argument, maybe with their opinion. Whatever the reason, interruptions are annoying. At their worst, interrupters become verbal bullies. You can see this behavior with some talk-show hosts who don’t let their guests finish before they butt in. According to some producers, this combat and conflict make for exciting listening. Maybe so. In everyday conversation, it’s a terrible annoyance.

5. Contradicting. One of the ultimate conversation-blockers. Although a ploy of structured debate, direct disagreement is not helpful in conversation, which is at its best when it’s a collaboration. “I disagree with you” or the more tactful “Yes, BUT…” occur in many conversations and are another form of the “I’m right, you’re wrong” game. (If chocolate is right, must vanilla be wrong? Or just different?) As my surveys show, a better way is to hear the other’s opinion, check that you understand it, then offer “My view is different from yours. Let me explain.” When we feel heard and understood we are more likely to listen to others and their views.

6. Stingy contributor. Listens, receives, and takes, but doesn’t give back in return. Or likes to complain to us but doesn’t like to listen to our concerns. Shows very little interest, offers no useful information, doesn’t even give acknowledgement or thanks for what he receives. Is a “taker” and doesn’t lift a conversation. Likes to pick the brains of others, but contributes nothing. This cautious, ungenerous style causes an out-of-balance conversation in which real trust is unavailable.

It’s always easier to be aware of another’s conversational mistakes than our own. Our own mistakes are so habitual, they easily escape our notice. We are just being ourselves, right?

When you become frustrated or annoyed in a conversation, there is a good chance the other converser is exhibiting one of these mistakes. You see how that mistake causes problems and, with new awareness, you can eliminate it in yourself. You can ask yourself, “Do I do that?”