Effective Communication

How To Win Friends And Influence People

Winning friends and influencing people depends on developing rapport and yet many people are getting it wrong...

there are at least four common rapport building mistakes: get these points wrong and you have no chance when it is time to win friends and influence people.

4 Common Mistakes:

• Pretending You Are Interested When You Are NotDo yourself a favor and be honest with yourself and the people you spend time with. If you are really not interested in the topic of conversation then say so.This is essential if you really want to win friends and influence people. If possible change the subject or simply postpone that particular conversation until another time.Obviously if there is a danger of offending the other person you will have to be less direct. In these situations it helps to find out right away what the other person wants or expects from you. Ask! The conversation will then become very relevant to both of you and maintaining interest will be a lot easier.
• Disliking The Other PersonIf you do not like the person you are talking to it will come across at some level. Ask yourself -- what could I like about this person?This will help put you in a better frame of mind. Look for things you have in common by asking yourself - how is this person like me? We all have something in common and commonality builds rapport. Look for it and you will find it.If you mechanically attempt to get rapport with people while secretly disliking them you will never get that deep rapport you are looking for. In fact if your focus is on how much you dislike the person you will not even want rapport and instead you will be setting yourself up for conflict.
• Wanting Rapport With Everyone You MeetI made this mistake when I first learned the advanced communication skills I cover in my book. All of a sudden, for the first time, I was able to get rapport with anyone I met. So I did. And I recommend you do the same to a point.With one exception.There are some people you do not want to be getting deep rapport with. Take someone who is like a raging bull with a deep resentment and hate for themselves and other people.Do you really want to feel the same way? If you get deep rapport you will feel some of the same feelings. While you may need to be effective around such people keep your focus on your real goal.Deal effectively with the individual and maintain your own emotional state regardless of how upset the other person is. Pay attention to your emotional state when dealing with negative people, manipulative people and others who will drain your energy.With these people, rely more on the weakest element of rapport - words. And manage your body language without following their lead.
• Not Speaking Their LanguageWe all have one primary sense whether it be visual, auditory or feelings based that dominates our perception of the world. You need to get good at spotting which modality other people use and match their world to get rapport quickly and easily.If someone is in a visual mode their words will be dominated by words that express what they see.

For example the car is red with a white soft top and a huge back seat.Whereas the auditory person describes the car in a different way: it sounds like a lion roaring when you start the engine and the CD player fills the car with deep, rich sounds that dance around your ears.Finally the person most attuned to their feelings notices the smooth soft sensation of the leather seats and the warm firm feeling when they hold the steering wheel.

If you use the wrong modality for the person you are talking to, it makes it harder for him to understand you. You then have to work harder to get rapport.When you speak to several people at once make sure you use visual, auditory and feeling words to ensure you appeal to everyone.

Make a point of paying attention to the dominant modality your friends and family use. And you may have a breakthrough when you finally discover why you are not getting deep rapport with some of them while more easily getting along with other people.

Neglect communication skills and you limit your happiness and success. And by default you give others control over your life.The only way to be the master of your destiny is to take charge. Know what you really want and have the courage to stand up and be counted.

posted by Indira Bandari @ 7:33 PM